Why is it so hard to receive constructive feedback?
Last month I wrote about how to give feedback that catalyzes growth. This meaning, how do you challenge someone directly, while still caring for them personally. It’s a sweet spot that we sometimes struggle to find, with most of us shying away from giving feedback altogether. But once you cross that hurdle and actually share the feedback, what next? The responsibility now shifts to the receiver.
For most of us, receiving constructive feedback can feel like an attack on self, and so we do the only logical thing there is to do, we go into self preservation mode. Self-preservation can either look like getting defensive or being dismissive. Sound familiar? That is basically the body’s natural response to a threat: ‘fight or flight’
But why does receiving tough feedback have this effect on us?
In this instance, let’s assume that the radical candor principles of giving feedback were followed by the giver of the feedback, that is, the feedback was HIP (see image below). The feedback is now out there and it’s time for the receiver to respond.
So why does receiving tough feedback, even when given the right way, have the ‘fight or flight’ effect on us?
The answer is simple: The feedback feels like an attack/threat on our identity.
“Identity is the story we tell ourselves about who we are and what the future holds for us, and when critical feedback is incoming, that story is under attack.” -Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen
A few years back, I read about a concept that I’ll call ‘the story we tell ourselves’. We have certain beliefs about ourselves and who we think we are. We also have beliefs about how we interact with the world around us, some based on facts and some built up in our minds.
These beliefs are what define our worldview and anything that attempts to go against those beliefs is seen as a threat.
If for example my manager tells me that I’m not doing a great job, depending on my belief of self, I could respond in either of the following ways:
‘They must be wrong, I’m a great employee and they are lucky to have me.’ Discards the feedback.
OR
‘They must be right. I’m not good enough.’ Takes the feedback deeper than intended.
Same situation. Two different responses. But one underlying concept: This feedback is aimed at my identity.
‘Don’t take it personally, but..’
I’m sure each one of us at some point in our lives have either said or had this statement said to us or both.
This statement, though controversial can be politely translated as follows:
‘The feedback that I am about share with you is not about you as a person but this specific behaviour. Please don’t take it to be more than that.’
And that’s what feedback is mainly about, the behaviour rather than the person.
Separating our person from the behaviour in question is definitely easier said than done, given that some feedback runs deeper than others making you question your values as a person, but this is the general concept to hold in place when receiving feedback.
It is about my behaviour and not me as a person.
But back to the manager scenario above, are those the only viable responses?
If your manager/friend walked up to you today and shared constructive feedback with you, what would ideally be your thought process? Take a minute and reflect on how you would react.
After a few moments of reflection, here is a breakdown of the steps I would recommend:
- Fight the initial reaction. We’re all human so our first reaction would ideally be a natural response which means we would feel the urge to either fight (get defensive), flight (get dismissive) or the occasional freeze (shut down). Given that we now know this is a normal response to a presumed threat, we can now overcome this urge.
- Thank them. Before someone gives you feedback, most probably they have taken time to think about whether it’s accurate or not. They have analyzed it from all angles to ensure that it is not biased feedback. On top of that, if the feedback is not well received it could potentially damage the relationship, so in as much as giving feedback is a gift, it is also time consuming and a risk. So after you fight your natural instinct, regardless of whether you agree with the feedback or not, take a minute and appreciate the person for taking the time and coming to you directly.
- Get curious. Now that you’ve received the feedback, try and understand where they are coming from, ask questions and listen keenly. Depending on the matter at hand, the questions you ask will differ, but remember listen to understand not to respond. You can apply effective listening skills here such as reiterating what is said to ensure that you’ve captured it correctly.
- Reflect. Receiving tough feedback is hard, so it’s ok to want to take some time and reflect on what was shared. Does the data/instances presented make sense? If yes, then you can go a step further and discuss next steps, how you can improve or the expectations. If no, then you can ask for some time to reflect on it and discuss it at a later agreed upon date.
- Thank them again. I cannot emphasize the importance of appreciating someone who takes the time to share tough feedback with you in a considerate manner. Thanking them allows them to feel comfortable to share future feedback with you and that is how growth is achieved. You can say something like, ‘ Thanks again for taking the time to share this with me. I know sharing tough feedback with someone is never easy. Feel free to share any future feedback with me.’ (This is a generic statement so do edit as per the context of the conversation)
- Take what’s necessary, leave the rest. As is with any feedback, some is helpful, some is not. So analyze the feedback objectively, take what you need and leave the rest.
- REPEAT.
These steps will vary depending on the situation and you can add or remove what doesn’t apply to your situation. For those who are proactive about receiving feedback you can go as far as asking for feedback. When asking for feedback, be as specific as possible rather than the casual, ‘How was the presentation?’, it could be as specific as, ‘What do you think could have been better in the presentation?’ This creates room for someone to actually reflect and share any feedback with you.
Learning how to embrace criticism is an ongoing process. Sometimes you’ll get it right, sometimes you won’t. It’s all in the daily practice.
As you embrace the art of receiving feedback, take some time and notice the instances when you can’t seem to take in the feedback, is it the person giving the feedback, how it was given, the situation etc. Identify what or who your blockers are and find ways around it. Remember it’s all about progress rather than perfection.
I wish you all the best on your journey!
#ChooseToThrive
PS: You can read more about how to receive feedback from these articles on the complete leader and IDEAS.TED.
